Rockstars

“Well, that was a confident mistake.”  

-I don't fucking remember  

The band pulled up to the club. A three floor venue: Heaven, Asylum and Hell. We were playing Heaven. As we’re loading in our gear, a homeless guy approaches us with an all too often proposition: An offer to watch our car for $5. 

There were so many street scams in DC at the time. One of the more amusing was the window washers at traffic lights. They spray down your windshield and wipe it off hoping for some change or a few dollars for their labor. 'I ain’t begging, I work for my money’. As a messenger I knew these guys. We all smoked weed and drank 20 oz’s in the same park. I knew their game, too. They pissed in those spray bottles. They sought out the most expensive cars in the line not for the expectation of a greater payout, but for the reward of virtually pissing on a rich dude's car and making him pay for it. Genius.

It was in a shitty area for DC at the time and that ploy likely worked on the suburbanites, but we knew the game well. Besides, our van was a piece of shit. The singer says ‘Fuck you. If I come out here later and my van’s not how I left it, I will find you and beat the shit out of you’.

We set up the gear. The general expectation at most clubs is free swill on draft for the band. Abdul, the club owner, wasn’t about freebies. I got chummy with the bartender and she snuck us some free pitchers. I didn’t drink booze back then, so I asked for a coke. She told me she would refill my can throughout the night if I was stealth about it, but couldn’t give me a cup. Whatever that was about, fine. 

After the main act finished their soundcheck, we went up for the same. By this time folks were being let in and we played a few covers for them. We had another hour until we were to start playing, so we just went and hung out at the bar. There was only a stage, a bathroom, and a bar…no place for the band to chill. I took a big swig from my coke can and fuck if someone hadn’t put their cigarette out in it. You could smoke in clubs back then. That taste lasted in my mouth all night. I drank probably a half gallon of water trying to wash away that gagging sensation.

Time to play.

The venue was pretty crowded. Not too difficult with a capacity of 50. We played straight ahead without error, and the crowd was into it. We were charged and playing with unusual enthusiasm.  

I had to pee. 

I had to pee in the most desperate way. 

You can’t just call time out in the middle of a set. Click, click, click, the drummer starts in on the next song. My guitar on my belly may as well have a grown man forcing his hand into my gut. I was going to piss myself. I knew a break in the song was coming up where I wasn’t playing guitar. The strategy developed. The bathroom was right next to the stage. I can do this. Then some motherfucker goes in just before the break was coming up. My body was saying ‘fuck you, dude, I pissing’. 

As the break in the song neared, I worked my way nearer to the bathroom. The second I was volume off, the dude came out of the bathroom, and I was in. Door open, guitar still strapped on and plugged in. The pissing felt like an eternity as the part for my guitar to come back in was approaching. Relax, relax, don’t force it, jiggle, zip. As soon as I turned from the urinal I turned up the guitar volume and jumped back into the song. The entire crowd was roaring as I walked back onto the stage doing my best rockstar impersonation, holding the guitar in the air as I held the notes annoyingly too long so I could wiggle my dick back in its place.

The after show was all high fives and fuck yeah’s. Success.

The next band started playing. The energy was already high, but their scorching surfer punk got the entire crowd rowdy. The singer in my band grabbed me by the collar, I grabbed his. We twirled around like two dogs in a fight and I slammed him into the wall. All in play. He went right through the drywall like it was papier-mache, all the way to the bricks. 

Abdul motions me over to him.

‘You’re going to come back tomorrow and repair that, god damn it!’

‘Sure, I’ll be over in the morning with my spackle knife’

We load out into the early morning and for fuck sake. The homeless dude was still there.

‘I watched over your van. No charge’

We gave him $50 and made our way home. Rockstars.